snowballs when i fall.

just a mental note - i try not to use any names on this blog- unless an exception is needed. its better this way and a little more secret - like 'backdoor' secret. someone knows what i mean. and no, not, like, my gay boyfriend or some shit, because he clearly refers to it as haha no...this stops right here.

another note: i wish i could invent a brand new swear word. i could probably use it right now.

control is a funny concept. some people have a lot of it, or feel like they need a lot of it. others feel they don't need to worry about it all.
me?
i feel like i'm on speed - or rather 'in' speed, the movie, and right now we're all about to get raped in the ass (alright matthias, second reference to gay terms, settle down big boy...) by the big D to the eath and we're all going to die and the bomb is going to go off and sandra bullock isn't even hot.
right now, my bus is this million dollar debt i've got next to my name. debt never looked so classy than next to my initials.

ups and downs on a roller coaster are only good if it comes back to the beginning, where you look at the slightly middle aged man who's operating the roller coaster and feel slightly put off by his combination of bad facial hair, sweaty armpit patches, and his face fixed in a 'i've made a lot of bad decisions in my life' kinda way, to then get off the ride and say 'mum i wanna go again, can i go again?' and she says 'sure son, this time do you think you can be a big boy and go by yourself without holding my hand and crying the whole time?'
or thats what i recall from last weeks family trip to luna park.
i wish i could return to the beginning of my ups and downs, or at least to stable ground where i can just wrap my head around things or wrap other things in general around other things.

things are moving too fast. too many things to do, too many people to see, and i hate disappointing people. i hate disappointment.

this "music industry/scene" is a disgrace. every time i see it it makes me want to throw up (just like i want to throw up when i see a bulimic. settle down just jokes.) and while im throwing up these awesome people in the industry find new ways to take the freshly minted money that is in my wallet, and place it in theirs. a nice spit in the face to compliment you after gracing the stage with empty words, noiseless instruments and 'lets leave while we can' melodies. maybe if we broke down we'd break down these liars.

"This is taking everything I know
to say this.
with you my heart is racing faster than ever before
when we kiss.
and these colourful chemicals run through my blood.
and this feeling of joyfulness spills in my gut.
when you walked into my life.
I can feel the beating pulse of your heart
through your hands.
flickering sun on your hair distracts me
as our eyes dance.
and these colourful chemicals run through my blood.
and this feeling of joyfulness spills in my gut.
when you walked into my life."



sweet dreams princess.